I`m 36 years old and never been married. I want to get married and have an amazing loving relationship, and so far to no avail. It seems that in all the relationships I have had I tend to `lose` myself in them. When my last relationship ended, I thought that if giving was the key to a great relationship then he wouldn`t have left. How do I stop attracting the same type of relationships and finally find `the one`..
Desperately seeking partnership
I believe that most people share your desire, to have a loving committed relationship. Getting lost in relationship is very common, especially in the early stages of dating…ahhhh the honeymoon period. I can`t eat, I can`t sleep, all I think about is THEM… and how dreamy they are… and this is a very normal part of courtship. If however, getting lost means putting their needs ahead of yours, you send a message that who you are is not as valuable.
We all have beliefs about ourselves, and these are based on messages and experiences we have had growing up. For example, giving seems to be really important to you. Without knowing more about you, I can say that often people who give a lot think that part of their value comes from what they do or give, not just for who they are.
Breaking these patterns of behaviour requires taking a closer look at oneself, to realize some of the conscious and unconscious beliefs, and then taking action to have a different experience. For example, if you are dating someone who is frequently late, you might say this,
“I understand that traffic was bad and you were tied up at work, AND I want you to know that when you are late I feel disrespected and make up that you think my time is not valuable.“
This small step of counting yourself in from the very start will set a different template for the relationship, and you will know very quickly whether or not this person has values that match yours. I think often we are afraid to say something, or get angry. There is a place in the middle where you are both honoured, and either the other person will meet you there, or they may not be the one for you. I do believe you can have amazing love in your life if you work on allowing it!