Relationship Communication Skills Start with Listening Well to Your Partner

By: Fiona Demers, MC, CCC, CCS

When was the last time you felt truly listened to in your relationship?

Listening well is one of several relationship communication skills that are good to have. In fact, empathically listening to our partner is one of the most loving things we can do. However, this is not always an easy thing to do. Often while our partner is speaking our mind is elsewhere, thinking of what we want to say in response or maybe even what we are going to make for dinner. We have all been guilty of this, we might be listening but we are not actually hearing what our partner is saying. Not only does this get in the way of a deeper connection it can also make working through problems much more difficult. As relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman point out, we can’t move to persuasion until we understand each other’s stance on the issue.

If this sounds familiar here is a simple way to start practicing the skill of truly listening to each other:

• Agree on a topic to discuss, just one! When you are just starting out doing this it is best to choose a topic that is of interest to both of you but not a “hot button” topic.
• Take turns in the role of Speaker and Listener for an agreed-upon length of time. The Listener’s job is to listen in silence or reflect back to your partner what you are hearing (this is harder than it sounds). Ask only one or two open questions if you need to clarify something. It’s a great idea to grab a pen and piece of paper and take notes while the Speaker is talking. When they are done speaking summarize what they said and say it back to them. For example, “So what I am hearing you say is…”.
• When the Speaker feels you have got it and they feel understood then you can switch roles.
• Avoid the typical communication blockers like advice-giving, criticism, teasing or changing the subject. At this point you just want to understand each other, offering solutions can come later.

Intentionally setting aside time to listen well to your partner is a powerful act of caring and contributes to a deeper and more fulfilling relationship (Miller, 2018).

If you are interested in learning more about enhancing your relationship communication skills and deepening intimacy with your partner, book an appointment with one of our experienced relationship counsellors at Repiphany Counselling.

Sources

• Gottman, J.G., & Gottman, J.S. (2017) Gottman Method Couples Therapy Level 2: Assessment, Intervention, and Co-Morbidities. Gottman Institute.
• Miller, W. R. (2018). Listening well: The art of empathic understanding. Eugene, Oregon: Wipf & Stock.